Dream On

So I've noticed lately that I have a few friends who have babies or are about to have babies. Not their first (I'm too old for that), but their second or maybe even their third!! So to you weary mamas out there I just want to give you a little encouragement. 

You won't hear from me that, "Oh, honey, these days go by so quickly. You just need to enjoy them". Or "I just miss that baby stage so much. I would give anything to have it back again". And you definitely won't hear, "I just love those little grunts and cries. They are just the cutest at that age".  Now before you go calling me cold and heartless, let me explain. Yes, I love babies. Yes, I love my kids. Yes, I love being a mother- the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I am not heartless.  I know every mother thinks their baby is the cutest ever. I know every mother knows their babies grow up too fast. Every mother knows she's supposed to cherish the sweet little coo's and groans. Every mother's heart is full when they look at that baby.  But to the mother who is in the trenches right now, I choose to skip the niceties. No mother of a newborn who is sleep-deprived, hormonal, uncomfortable, and probably dirty wants to hear how she needs to be cherishing moments.  At least, I didn't. I wanted to hear that there was hope. Hope that I would make it through today. Hope that I would make it through the next hour still functioning as a semi-normal human being. Hope that I was normal.  So here's a few words of encouragement that hopefully can help while you're in the weeds. 

1. No words of encouragement are going to help. There's nothing I or anyone else can say to you that will make this time better or easier. You don't care about words. You care about action, which brings me to #2

2.  Get help. And by get, I don't mean wait for someone to offer to help. I mean seek it. Hint at it. BEG for it. You are not above begging. FInd friends. Find family. Find that nice lady that lives on your street that you kinda, sorta know. Help, ANY help, is good help. Get help with grocery shopping, dinners, diaper changes, babysitting. You know you have at least 1 good friend who will take your older child away if you ask. You don't even have to specify a length of time. Just say, "hey can you watch my toddler for me?" If your friend says no, then you can resort to acting like a crazy person. You feel like that on the inside, so why not let her out? "Please, please take the toddler! If I don't get a break I'm not sure what might happen!  He's been eating goldfish and gummies for every meal the past 3 days!! He loves you and has been asking to see you!" (That last little detail may not be totally true, but it definitely helps) 

3. Get rid of the guilt. So what if you're older child/children have been watching a Toy Story 1,2,3 marathon all week! So what if they just go from wearing one set of pj's to another set b/c you never got them dressed that day.  So what if you decide to put all your efforts into breastfeeding, putting all other responsibilities aside? OR So what if you decide breast feeding is not for you (gasp!) So what if you don't have a balanced, organic, clean meal ready for your family every night. You just either got your belly cut open like a big smile or you just pushed that little human out of your hoo-ha after laboring for hours and hours!!! You deserve not to have to fix a meal for awhile. 

4. Don't compare yourself. No, you are not that mommy that 12 hours after she had her 4th baby looks like she did when she was 18. And you know what? That's ok. She has issues she has to deal with just like you. You may not be that mommy who goes back to working out 6 weeks on the dot after her baby. And that's ok. Her life is not your life. Your life is your life. So you live your life the best you know how. Your kids aren't going to suffer. They're going to know they're loved. They're going to see their mommy doing her best. 

5. Take lots of pictures. These days, with smart phones and technology, you have NO EXCUSE not to take pictures. I say this only because I honestly don't remember much of my kids' infant stages (#mommyfail). I can't remember when they sat up, when they started crawling, how often they ate. Some people are great with these details. I. am. not. You want to know why? Because I was SLEEP DEPRIVED!!! I don't do well without sleep. At all. So, I took pictures. That way I can look back on Beau's first 6 months of life and remember those kinds of things mommies are supposed to remember. I can remember the trips we went on, how much his brother and sister loved on him, all the cute clothes he wore. Without those pictures, I would have no recollection. Thank you modern technology!!! 

6. Just so you know, there IS hope. You WILL make it. You WILL sleep again, and you WILL dream on.

Because of You

Because of you, I haven't slept in 2 years.

Because of you, I now know that 3 is not "just one more" than 2. 3 is 10 times more than 2.

Because of you, people look at me a little funny when I tell them how many kids I have. Maybe not a funny look, maybe it's more sympathetic.

Because of you, "cute" has a new definition. I know Mike and I make good looking kids, but having three adorable kids is just too much :)

Because of you, I know that when poop gets under tiny fingernails, it's hard to get out!

Because of you, I know that not all children will hold your hand just because you ask them to. Some kids need to be taught this skill.

Because of you, my new favorite word is "snack". And I will never hear it the same way ever again. I will always hear your little voice yelling "NAAAACK"!! Always.

Because of you I have seen true love between 2 brothers. And it is heart-melting.

Because of you, I know what it means to have my family complete. I know what it means to have a full life and a full heart.

Because of you, I know that my friends are amazing. And when I'm having a terrible day and I'm on the verge of breaking down, they get me. They'll be there for me. And they love you too, which makes me think you're a pretty great kid already!

Because of you, I have now witnessed with my own eyes a toddler crawl out of his crib and land on his feet. I know this is nothing new for most people with kids, but it took me 7 years of being a mom before it happened to me.

Because of you, I now know how hard separation anxiety is. I see your terrified face and it breaks my heart. Even though I know you'll be fine the second I'm out of site, the anxiety hits me too.

Because of you, I know that God instills personalities in children before they are born.  How else could three children raised in the same house with the same parents be SO different?

Because of you, I know that an older sister can teach the art of huffing and pouting to her very impressionable, toddler-aged brother without even knowing it. His imitations are spot.on.

Because of you, I don't care that snuggling in the middle of the night instead of putting you right back to bed (like the super nanny says to) may have long term negative effects on your sleeping. I don't care because you are my baby. The last chance I have at cuddling that little being that I've been blessed with. I don't want to let that pass for a few extra hours of un-interrupted sleep.

Because of you, I have a California kid. A west-coast baby. So now, no matter where you go in life, you'll be able to say "I was born in California". I think that's pretty cool!

Because of you, I run.

Because of you, I love BOB! And I love that BOB has changed my life. Literally. Seems silly that a jogging stroller made such a difference. But without that jogging stroller, I wouldn't have been able to train for my half-marathons. I wouldn't know how strong I am. I wouldn't have kept up with going to Stroller Strides where I can hang out with such inspirational women who are also moms. Alot of them are stronger, faster, more dedicated than me. So I see them and know that if they can do it, I can do it.

Because of you, I will never have my pre-baby bikini body back. Who am I kidding?! I never had a pre-baby bikini body :) But it's easier to blame it on you than my pathetic attempt at will power around pasta, chips, and cookies!!

Because of you, I daily have yet another reminder of how awesome my God is. And how much He blesses me even though I don't deserve it. 

So thank you, little one, for teaching me so much in only 2 years. Thank you for your sweet smiles you give me and your even sweeter kisses and hugs. Happy 2nd Birthday little monkey! (And yes, it's super late, because why would I actually do something on time?!)

Amazing Grace

I know this is late, but better late than never, right?! Sept. 3 was Lucy's 5th birthday. That's right, this little firecracker of a girl turned FIVE!!!

As I was sitting thinking about her one day, I was trying to decide what it was that she's brought to my life. It's not that it's so hard to come up with something, I just wanted to name it. It didn't take long until I realized that the most important thing that I've learned in her 5 years is Grace.  We probably should've named her that- or at least her middle name. Grace, because lots of times, there is nothing else I can do with her but give her grace. 

 If you have spent any time around us, you've probably seen it. Her ability to instantaneously turn from cute little girl into a purple faced, tears streaming, wailing creature that used to by my daughter. This mutation can happen anywhere at anytime. You think I'm kidding? ANYWHERE. AT ANYTIME. In the grocery store, the church parking lot, friends' houses, the backyard, Target. This list goes on.  And it can happen in the blink of an eye, with no warning. You also, if you know us, have been able to witness the sudden tragedy of "my legs don't work". This usually comes immediately after she's been given some kind of direction. "Lucy, can you pick up your socks and put them in your hamper?" And then it begins... She falls to the floor, legs sprawled grunting and groaning as she's exasperatingly telling me that her legs don't work.  She could go on a LONG TIME just writhing on the ground because she "can't get up". It's kinda cute. It's funny. The first time. The 698th time-not so much. 

Before I had kids, I had no idea that this would be the hardest thing for me. Not really disciplining. But the internal struggle of loving at the same time as disciplining. And figuring out how to console a little being that is inconsolable. Literally nothing helps to calm her down or to "straighten her up".  When you're pregnant or even when you're holding your precious little snuggly newborn, you know that you're going to have to deal with defiance one day. I've heard stories of how I acted as a kid, kicking and screaming in the check-out lane because I wasn't getting what I wanted. My thoughts before I had kids? "Oh, even if my kids do that, I'll just ignore it. I'll just go about my business and they'll realize I'm not paying attention and they'll stop. I'm not going to give in to them" Or "I'll just do a time-out and they'll learn their lesson" Oh, how nice our dream worlds are, aren't they?! I had no idea the feelings that would well up inside me. The feelings of exasperation, fatigue, embarrassment, and lots of times, anger. 

God has used my children to teach me lots of lessons. Grace is Lucy's reason for being right now. She reminds me that I act the same way. No matter how many times I act like a crazy person and yell at my kids or think judgmental thoughts about someone, or feel like I'm not a good enough mom, wife, or friend, God's always there, waiting patiently for me to stop my tantrum and act like a sane person.  He forgives me multiple times a day and is teaching me now, that's what I have to do for Lucy. Forgive her. Again. And again. And again.  And I can't imagine how he feels when he sees me, his daughter, acting like a fool. He could so easily say, "But I taught you better than that! Why are you acting like this? Where did you learn that language and tone of voice? That's not how I talk" But he doesn't. He just shows me somehow that He still loves me and that He's waiting for me to straighten up when I'm ready.

She not only has taught me how to give grace, but how to receive it. On a bad day, I can turn into the wicked witch in the blink of an eye. And lots of time when I'm frustrated with one kid, I take it out on another. But no matter how I treat her, not matter what I do or say to correct her, she still shows how much she loves me. Lots of time when we're 30 min into a tantrum and I ask her why she's even crying her response through tears and a shaky voice is "I just want a hug". No matter how my behavior has been, she's always ready to hug me or play with me or move on like nothing has ever happened. She has learned much better than me that once a "situation" is dealt with and I'm sorry's are said, it's over. There's no hurt feelings hanging around. She shows me grace and moves on. Oh, thank you, Lord, for that little piece of you that you've given me in Lucy. 

Pomp and Circumstance

So tomorrow my older, yet not-as-responsible, hippie of a sister is graduating! She's done this before (multiple times), but this time is a little different. She's graduating from Vet School. Which means for the past 4 years she's been living in the same place, going to the same school. For her, I think this might be a record!! For those of you who don't know my sister, she's a bit of a free spirit. I mean, after all, she did decide to move to Breckenridge, CO just because it would be fun. 

Am I surprised that she made it through the riggers of vet school and is graduating (I'm sure at the top of her class)? Absolutely not. This is the girl who scored like a 35 on her ACT. I'm pretty sure she would be a career student if it paid the bills. Am I surprised that she finally picked a career? Yes. Deciding what you want to do with your life is something that most people do relatively quickly with not too much forethought. She just took a little (ok, a lot) longer to decide.  

So Val, for the accomplishment of studying, passing tests, going to class, I say "yeah, yeah, whatever...that's just a given for you".  But for the accomplishment of deciding to do something, taking years to see it through, and still loving it when you've finished, I say "great job! I love you and I'm proud of you!" 

And when my kids are older and I don't have to clean human poop anymore, we'll probably get a dog. So I expect free veterinary advice and services. And, since in the next year you'll be living very close to us, I'm always looking for a babysitter! I'll pay you in food :)

Ready to Run

Endurance: "the ability or strength to continue or last, especially despite fatigue, stress, or other adverse conditions; stamina"

Ten weeks ago, I would have told you I'm not a runner. I never really have been. I run (sometimes), but I'm not one of those people who can't wait to get out a run a few miles.  I'm ok at short distances, but the thought of doing the same thing for hours on end (like running a marathon) sounds boring to me.  Ten weeks ago, I would have told you I have no endurance.  When things get tough-I stop. I don't like to push through the pain. But when I don't allow myself to go through the pain, I don't get the rewards that follow.

No, I don't like to run. So ten week ago, what did I do? I went and committed to running in the Ragnar Relay Race. For those of you who don't know what this is (I didn't either), it's a 200 mile, 12-person relay race. The race starts Friday morning and goes continuously through the night until Saturday evening when your team finishes. So there's one person from your team running at all times. Each member runs 2 daytime legs and 1 nighttime leg. So when I was asked to join this all-woman team my friend got together, what's the first word that came to mind? CRAZY!!!! But the 2nd was Endurance.  Maybe this was my chance to build some.  To have a goal and reach it.  To learn the lessons that come "in the hard times" of training and have the joy to know that I had the endurance to finish. 

As I was thinking about this concept of Endurance, I thought of motherhood.  I don't know if there's ever a "finish" with being a mom. But I think being able to endure the sleepless nights, constant whining, arguing, and tattling is a victory in itself! Learning that in the tough times is when I get to teach someone else about Jesus' love, or grace, or forgiveness.  I'm not a teacher that stands up in front of a room of students, or a minister who preaches to a congregation, but through my very captive audience of 3, God still gives me a chance to share what He has taught me. God WANTS us to endure. So for you mammas out there who are just tired and are lacking what it takes to endure, Perk UP!! THIS is what God has called you to do.  He wants you to thrive and not fail. He wants you to be the best mom you can be-and when you don't have anymore to give, let Him take over.  

So as I've been training for this race, I've already learned some things. My endurance is improving. The first time I ran with our Saturday morning group, I went 4 miles- stopping at least 3 times to walk and 2 of those times I puked. Yep, stopped on the side of the road, embarrassed myself, and then kept going.  My longest run so far now is 9 miles!!! That's a personal best for me! AND, there was no puking involved :) So sometimes, in our "race" of motherhood, we'll get embarrassed, do things wrong, and generally screw things up. But that's ok- keep going! When you're faced with those tough situations again, you'll know how to get through them with better outcomes. 

I've also learned that it takes consistency. There is NO way I would've been able to finish 9 miles without intentionally scheduling out time to train, and sticking to it. Just like in motherhood, I have to be consistent in what I'm teaching and trying to show my kids. I have to be intentional in the way I interact with them daily.

The next thing I've learned is the only way I've been able to keep this running charade up is that I have cheerleaders.  My biggest supporter is Mike, who I could not be doing this without. He's been so great in agreeing to let me leave on Saturday mornings, while he has to wake up early (his only day to usually sleep in) to take care of the kids, or agreeing to feed, bathe, and put to bed all the kids while I run at night.  Or even made sure I have all the right equipment I need so I can be successful. And then I have my running friends. Who train me as I run and tell me what I need to be doing better, or who are there to push me to go a little faster, or who are there just to make conversation and distract me from the pain of the SoCal hills!! (They call them hills, I call them mountains!) Mommies need friends too. If you're feeling overwhelmed or tired, or depressed or whatever, find a friend. 

I've also learned that on my runs (as short as they are), I need little breaks. Maybe walk every once in awhile, or take a drink, or eat one of those yummy energy jelly beans. And I DEFINITELY need breaks in motherhood! Recently I had an amazing break and got to go to Mexico for a whole week with Mike sans kids! My mom was a lifesaver and took over so we could go celebrate our 10 year anniversary.  And the week before that my mother-in-law and Granny and Paw Paw came to visit. Talk about relief! More adults in the house than kids?! That doesn't happen very often. I got to do laundry, clean my room, and take a shower every day and not worry if one of the kids was doing something terrible in the other room! 

As far as I'm concerned, I am still not a "runner" by any means. I run. And pant. And pray. And dry heave a little. And I finish, even though it's not pretty. But everytime I get out there and try again, I get a little stronger and gain a little more endurance. So this weekend is it! We'll see how up to par my endurance really is. I'm running Friday at 6am and 4:30 pm. And if you happen to be up Saturday morning at 2:30, you can call me! I'll be running my last leg and I'm sure I'll need someone to talk to me to keep me going :)

Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This

Warning: If you do not have kids, don't laugh too hard... This could be you one day!!!! And if you have kids, you can go ahead and laugh, it's ok ;)

Monday mornings are always great, aren't they? Ours are usually filled just like everyone else's with hectic bustling around, trying to find things, extra sleepy eyes from the weekend's festivities, etc. Yesterday, however, was a little more, shall we say, exciting! Brooks woke up with a temperature of 102.8, so immediately I gave him some Tylenol and made his nice cozy spot on the couch where he was going to stay for probably a couple days. Beau woke up ready to go (as always), so I fed him and then let him get down to play. Brooks said he was a little hungry, so he wanted breakfast. He and Lucy sat at the counter and began eating. About halfway through his granola bar, he got that look on his face. You know the one. The one that says to a mom, get him away from anything valuable or not waterproof b/c he's about to blow. He knew what was coming, so he quickly got down from the stool and started toward the bathroom. He got about 2 steps and just exploded. The vomit splattered all over our tile floor, probably in a good 2 ft diameter space. Thankfully, it was mostly water, since he had just finished 3 cup-fulls before he started eating. However, as he realizes he has a little reprieve in the upheaval, he tries to make it to the bathroom, running THROUGH the vomit and slipping on it, falling right in it. I tell him to go to my bathroom because it's closer than his, so he does. Just as I was about to follow him in there to check on him, my curious little 1 yr old is running straight for the pile of fun. He runs into it, slips like his brother and then decides to crawl through it. UGH! So now I have to clean him up, try and find a way to keep him out of the mess while I clean it up, and poor Brooks is puking in the toilet all by himself :( After I clean Beau and put him in his highchair to contain him, Brooks comes out and says he feels a little better. I ask if he made it in the toilet, he said yes. He was wrong. So then I cleaned that up. 

I go back to Beau, to take him out of the high chair since all is clear and realize he has a dirty diaper. So I take him in his room and I'm in the middle of changing him when he decides to grab the poopy diaper and throw it on the floor. Luckily, this poop kind of looks like rabbit poop, so it's pretty easy to clean up.

About 10 min later, I decide I'm going to try and fix myself breakfast. Why? When's the last time I've actually cooked myself anything for breakfast? So I'm cooking eggs and I look around and don't see Beau. And then I listen and I can hear banging and splashing. I realize I have left my bedroom door open. Reluctantly, I walk into my bathroom, to find him banging on our trashcan with a wet hand and simultaneously splashing around in the toilet with his other hand.

When I come out of the bathroom after I've cleaned him up, I look at the clock. 7:30. This all happened BEFORE 7:30!!!

Well, at least I can say that Lucy, my dramatic child, is being good this whole time, right?! Just trying to find the blessings...

So our afternoon was pretty easy. My amazing friend offered to keep Lucy and Beau while I took Brooks to the doctor. He ended up having the flu (even though the doctor didn't think he did). Here's a little side note to all you new or expecting mommies- trust your instincts. No, you're not a doctor, but you know your kid a whole heck of alot more than your doctor, so if you think they have an ear infection, or the flu, or an allergic reaction, you're probably right. Insist on the right tests and extra exams that your doctor doesn't want to do. Getting off my soapbox now.

Then, the evening comes! Yay! At one point, both Lucy and Beau were screaming their heads off, Beau b/c he was tired and we couldn't find his noonie. Lucy, because she fell backwards off one of the stools for the counter and hit her head. Lovely. 

And then... Round 2: ding, ding!!

As Brooks is walking to his room, he gets that look again. This time, his vomit is a pretty blue color from all the gatorade he's been drinking! This time Mike was home and feeding Beau, so he didn't come investigate.  After I got it all cleaned up, Beau had yet another poopy diaper. So I took it off, cleaned him up and then put him down so he could walk to the bathroom for his bath. As I was filling the tub, I turned around and he was standing up, concentrating very hard. Oh No! Plop plop. Poop. Right on the bathroom floor. Good news is, I picked him up, set him on the potty and he finished. So Beau made his first poop in the potty! :) 

So even though the day didn't really go as planned and would've made a great episode on a sit-com, it's ok. As I watched Beau play in the tub and got to tuck the other two into bed, I was reminded how much I love my little family, bodily fluids and all!!

My Life Would Suck Without You

That's right, suck. And how do I know that? Because I spent Jan-July basically without you.  You had to go off and earn a living for us, coming home about every other weekend, or when you could.  We got to visit you a couple of times, but no offense, Buttonwillow, CA is no good. I bet you never thought when you said you would move to California that you were going to spend half a year in a stinky (literally) Motel 6 that sat next to a McDonald's, Starbucks, 3 or 4 truck stops, and a bunch of cow pastures. So as hard as it was to be at home with 3 kids, I did learn some things while you were gone.

1. You CANNOT divorce me. We've never even mentioned the word and I don't foresee us mentioning it, but I'm just putting that out there right now. I can't do life without you. Ok, maybe can't isn't the right word. Afterall, I did take care of, a 5 yr old, 3 yr old, and newborn 24/7, I had a patio cover put up, screen door installed, took out trash, got tires and brakes put on my car, grocery shopped, did laundry, worked out (sometimes), went to tball games/practices and gymnastics classes, took the kids to the desert, Disneyland, and VBS. So I did it. But it wasn't pretty. And it wasn't near as much fun as if you would've been with me. So I CAN do life without you, but I surely don't WANT to.

2. I love our kids now more than I ever have. I think spending that much time with other people, no matter who they are, you either grow a strong dislike or a love. Thank goodness with them, it was a love ;) Of course, I will always love them, no matter what, they're my kids. But now I think I appreciate them and understand them more than I ever would have. 

3. I have so much more respect for wives/moms whose husbands are deployed. I've always respected them and prayed for them. But now, having gone through just a little taste, I am in awe. I'm in awe of how they can just do it. Just switch into that mode that says, "I have no choice, so I need to do the best I can". And I had it easy. I got to see you every once in awhile. I didn't have to go to bed every night wondering what dangerous position you might be in. I didn't have to get nervous everytime the phone rang because it might be bad news. I didn't have to wait for you to call me. I could text or call you whenever I wanted. We were in the same time zone. I didn't have to talk to you late at night or early in the morning. So for all those women out there, thank you. Yes, your husbands are doing great, grand, and wonderful things for us too. But you are just as strong and courageous as they are.

4. I've heard the phrase, "my friends are my family". And I've never fully understood that until now. Because you had to be gone for so long, I know more than ever that I have that here. So thank you for giving me that time to grow my friendships.  To my "A-MA-ZING" friend, you will always be my family. Just to have that person that you know will be there no matter what time of day, or what the situation, is inexplicable. My family has to love me no matter what, but friends don't. You do. You saw me ugly cry, you held the baby when I just couldn't anymore, you took the 2 big kids away for the weekend so I could de-stress a little, you yelled at me when I was sick and didn't ask for help, you invited me over- not because you wanted my company necessarily, but because you knew I needed yours :). So thank you. And I'm sure Mike thanks you too!

So I know you're probably going to remember this post always and rub it in my face whenever I'm mad at you. But that is NOT what this is for ;) You work so hard and commute a ridiculous distance everyday just so I can stay home like I've always wanted. It's not what I "dreamed" it would be. It's soo different and soo much better than I thought! It may not always seem like I love my life and that I love what I'm doing, but I do. So for those times that I don't show you or tell you how much you mean to me, just remember that I do!!