I know this is late, but better late than never, right?! Sept. 3 was Lucy's 5th birthday. That's right, this little firecracker of a girl turned FIVE!!!
As I was sitting thinking about her one day, I was trying to decide what it was that she's brought to my life. It's not that it's so hard to come up with something, I just wanted to name it. It didn't take long until I realized that the most important thing that I've learned in her 5 years is Grace. We probably should've named her that- or at least her middle name. Grace, because lots of times, there is nothing else I can do with her but give her grace.
If you have spent any time around us, you've probably seen it. Her ability to instantaneously turn from cute little girl into a purple faced, tears streaming, wailing creature that used to by my daughter. This mutation can happen anywhere at anytime. You think I'm kidding? ANYWHERE. AT ANYTIME. In the grocery store, the church parking lot, friends' houses, the backyard, Target. This list goes on. And it can happen in the blink of an eye, with no warning. You also, if you know us, have been able to witness the sudden tragedy of "my legs don't work". This usually comes immediately after she's been given some kind of direction. "Lucy, can you pick up your socks and put them in your hamper?" And then it begins... She falls to the floor, legs sprawled grunting and groaning as she's exasperatingly telling me that her legs don't work. She could go on a LONG TIME just writhing on the ground because she "can't get up". It's kinda cute. It's funny. The first time. The 698th time-not so much.
Before I had kids, I had no idea that this would be the hardest thing for me. Not really disciplining. But the internal struggle of loving at the same time as disciplining. And figuring out how to console a little being that is inconsolable. Literally nothing helps to calm her down or to "straighten her up". When you're pregnant or even when you're holding your precious little snuggly newborn, you know that you're going to have to deal with defiance one day. I've heard stories of how I acted as a kid, kicking and screaming in the check-out lane because I wasn't getting what I wanted. My thoughts before I had kids? "Oh, even if my kids do that, I'll just ignore it. I'll just go about my business and they'll realize I'm not paying attention and they'll stop. I'm not going to give in to them" Or "I'll just do a time-out and they'll learn their lesson" Oh, how nice our dream worlds are, aren't they?! I had no idea the feelings that would well up inside me. The feelings of exasperation, fatigue, embarrassment, and lots of times, anger.
God has used my children to teach me lots of lessons. Grace is Lucy's reason for being right now. She reminds me that I act the same way. No matter how many times I act like a crazy person and yell at my kids or think judgmental thoughts about someone, or feel like I'm not a good enough mom, wife, or friend, God's always there, waiting patiently for me to stop my tantrum and act like a sane person. He forgives me multiple times a day and is teaching me now, that's what I have to do for Lucy. Forgive her. Again. And again. And again. And I can't imagine how he feels when he sees me, his daughter, acting like a fool. He could so easily say, "But I taught you better than that! Why are you acting like this? Where did you learn that language and tone of voice? That's not how I talk" But he doesn't. He just shows me somehow that He still loves me and that He's waiting for me to straighten up when I'm ready.
She not only has taught me how to give grace, but how to receive it. On a bad day, I can turn into the wicked witch in the blink of an eye. And lots of time when I'm frustrated with one kid, I take it out on another. But no matter how I treat her, not matter what I do or say to correct her, she still shows how much she loves me. Lots of time when we're 30 min into a tantrum and I ask her why she's even crying her response through tears and a shaky voice is "I just want a hug". No matter how my behavior has been, she's always ready to hug me or play with me or move on like nothing has ever happened. She has learned much better than me that once a "situation" is dealt with and I'm sorry's are said, it's over. There's no hurt feelings hanging around. She shows me grace and moves on. Oh, thank you, Lord, for that little piece of you that you've given me in Lucy.
